Cope
by Your Faithful Servant
Summary: Jim's been coping in not so great ways since Tarsus IV. (He's been running from his past for years, in sex and adrenaline and starships, and it never works. But he never stops trying. He can't.) Rated M for child physical and sexual abuse, and non explicit rape. McSpirk
1. Part 1

"Do you know what victims of child sexual abuse tend to do when they get older?" Leonard asked quietly, eyes not lifting from the PADD in his hands.

"What?" Jim was as tense as a pulled rubber band.

"They either become completely repulsed by sex... or become hypersexual in an attempt to cope."

It's like Jim had swallowed an ice cube. _He knows._

* * *

On Tarsus IV, after the food shortages started, there was only one unchangeable rule. _Do what it takes to survive._

It's hard at first, because Jimmy has to do a lot of things he thought he couldn't. But along the way, Jimmy somehow became JT, and it became easier. JT doesn't hesitate to shove his knife in a soldier's neck, ignore the gurgle as he died. Steal his weapon, and use it to protect the little children he's found throughout the way and keep them alive. They're his kids, after a while, and he steals and gambles and even kills for them. He's the oldest, and has the guts to do what must be done. But one day he's finally overwhelmed by guards and brought in front of Kodos, the man he'd cursed the name of, and Kodos just smiles.

"James Kirk, is it? I could have you executed right now, but you could be… of use. Do you want to make a deal?"

He says yes, and from then on his day to day becomes even more of a living hell.

_Is survival really worth it?_ He thinks, numbly, as Kodos' smooth hands push his thighs farther apart. No, not for him, but then again he's not just doing this for himself. _For my kids,_ he repeats as a mantra, trying to block out everything else. It doesn't work, as a choked sob leaves his lips when something he doesn't want to think about runs down his legs.

"That's it, James," Kodos soothes. "Such a good boy for me."

JT feels like throwing up. Luckily, he manages to wait until after he leaves Kodos' palace. He's a toy, a pet. Kodos' toys don't do anything except please him. The whip scars on his back (covering up the belt scars that were there before) prickle in reminder. Doing something gross is a good way to get punished, and it isn't good for himself either, because he isn't going to even eat the food he received for this, it all goes to his kids.

Every day, his ribs protrude a little more, his cheeks are more gaunt, and the bruises on his thighs and hips increase. He made a deal with Kodos, said yes, and it's killing him faster than the starvation ever could. But his kids are alive.

_You chose this. It's your fault, so suck up and deal with it_.

Once he's finished throwing up bile, he limps back to his kids with food and a smile. They make him eat, a little, but he only agrees because he needs to live to take care of them.

_His kids are alive._

* * *

"I top," Jim tells the man entering his apartment, like he does to everyone he brings home. The other nods, and Jim feels the tension leave his shoulders. Good. He's in control. _Good_.

People gossip that Jim Kirk never bottoms, is too prideful, insecure. An egotistical asshole that flirts like it's breathing; has slept with half of the academy (which even the most vocal of said gossipers agree is likely hyperbole), is a sexual deviant, can't get enough.

They're right about one thing. He can't get enough.

Bones never asks, never judges, just grumbles at him to take a shower when he stinks too badly of sex. Jim always laughs and obliges, with a grin far too wide to be real. Sometimes, he almost asks if Bones wants to join him, get a bite of something he gives indiscriminately.

But James T. Kirk isn't made for anything more than one night stands, and it'd be far too easy to slip into something more with Leonard H. McCoy, a man he loves like a brother and maybe something more, but it's for the best this way. Besides, Bones deserved more than Jim could ever give him.

He'd be disgusted if he knew-

* * *

JT can't pinpoint the moment everything gets worse, but it somehow happens slowly and all at once.

Kodos grabs him like Frank used to, roughly, and hard enough to bruise. The praise remains, and while the very early days it would've made him straighten his spine in pride, now his hands shake. Now, getting fucked isn't for food anymore, it's for the right to survive.

"I could've killed you, James. You could've been sacrificed with the others so the better half could survive. This is the least you owe me."

JT allows Kodos to do as he pleases with him, and Kodos' soldiers leave his kids alone. JT is still responsible for protecting them from others and finding them food and everything else they'd need, but it's one problem removed.

It's not enough, because he's already buried enough small bodies that it starts feeling numb now. Sometimes it's sickness, sometimes it's injury, but most of the time it's from starvation. He's not enough, he'll never be enough, and he'll rot in hell when Tarsus IV finally decides to take the last thing it hasn't not yet ripped from him, and he'll finally be allowed to die. But for now, he's got to take care of the last half, the last twelve. Doing what Kodos demands is all he can do to assure that, and he deserves it, for all the ones he let die. And it isn't like JT can decline anyway. Even at twelve, he doesn't go back on an agreement. Kodos changes the contract but his half stays the same. Sex, for something he needs. That's all JT needs to know.

Of course, every time that JT gets used to what his life has become, Kodos flips the world on its head.

"You're staying now, James." And the doors lock, and JT is filled with a righteous anger he didn't think he was capable of feeling anymore. He fucking hates the room he isn't allowed to leave, hates this house, wants it to burn like the anger deep in his angry stomach. He becomes what Kodos declares 'difficult', and the sex increases, but the rest is pain.

He's long ago stopped feeling hunger pangs, so that stops being a punishment. When he tries to escape for the fourth time, Kodos chains him outside and has him whipped again, and again, and JT loses count of how many times after a while. But nothing hurts like the pain inside, knowing his kids are _alone _and there's nothing JT can do about it. After leaving him to bake with a bloody back for a few days, he's brought back inside and hosed down and Kodos fucks him again.

He can't regret the life he's chosen, but he can sure as hell hate it, hate himself for saying yes.

He hates himself more than anything.

* * *

"Truth."

It's a stupid game, truth or dare. But it's something to do in the wee hours of the morning, and Jim's never been too smart with a beer in his hand.

"When did you lose your virginity?" The girl is all eyelashes and sweet smiles, but Jim's always known there was something spicy beneath. The question is her way of flirting. But what she doesn't know is the question makes Jim's blood run cold and the answer is something no one wants to hear. He's sober in an instant.

_Twelve, but don't feel bad for me because I said yes. It was my decision. _

"Wouldn't you like to know?" he purrs with a wink. She starts to protest _that isn't a real answer _but he pulls her up to dance to nonexistent music, and she laughs and forgets they were even playing a game. But it isn't her he tastes when she pulls him in for a kiss.

She is probably offended when he makes a half assed excuse and leaves, but he doesn't care because he spends the next two hours puking his guts out in the toilet, and furiously brushing his teeth when he isn't, trying to forget.

It was his decision, yes, yet every time he thinks about he feels sick.

* * *

JT is thirteen now, he thinks, but he doesn't have long to celebrate. After all, he doesn't know how long it's been since Kodos left him chained outside to die. At this point, though, he knows Kodos is sick of him and didn't even have enough fondness left to give him a quick death.

He's sunburned to hell and doesn't even have the strength to move anymore. Laying on the ground, held up only by his chained, bloody wrists and waiting for death, he wonders if this is how his kids felt. Were they scared, terrified? Angry? All JT can feel is acceptance, numbness now. The only thing he regrets is he didn't die saving them. Instead of a sacrifice worthy of them, he dies like he lived- Kodos' now broken toy.

Darkness creeps from the edges of his vision, and this time, he knows once he closes his eyes it's unlikely they'll ever open again. That's okay, he's decided. He's done. Jimmy never believed in no-win scenarios, but this is JT, who knows better. This is JT, who has had corpse stench buried so deep in his nostrils he had forgotten what it was like for it not to be there. This is JT, who saw a two year old reduced to a bloody mess in front of his eyes while he reached for her. This is JT, who doesn't care anymore.

A wave of calm washes over him, and his eyes finally close.

When they open, he's in a medical bed and he doesn't answer to Jimmy, and flinches at 'James'. He's not JT anymore, can't be Jimmy anymore, doesn't want to ever be James, but what does that leave? Kodos and Tarsus IV have burned, and he can't help but feel he had died along with everything (everyone) else.

When he finally has the strength to walk out of the hospital months later, he's Jim Kirk.

(He buries JT so far inside no one knows he exists anymore, and tries to forget James exists.)

* * *

"Why do you have a three year gap in your medical history?" Bones asks, his usual frown deepening. Jim can't tell if it's annoyance or worry, but he knew something would happen once he agreed to let Bones be his primary care doctor in Starfleet ("Who else could put up with your bullshit?"). However, he thought he'd have more time before Bones read through everything.

"Dunno," Jim replied with a false smile, but Bones wasn't even looking at him. "Maybe nothing happened. Contrary to popular belief, I _can _stay out of trouble, Bones."

"Dammit, Jim. We both know that's not it." The doctor's brow furrows, but he doesn't push after that. Jim relaxes. That's the good thing about Leonard. He could be damn stubborn, but he usually knew when to stop questioning him.

Jim should've known that didn't mean he wouldn't stop digging.

(The last thing JT ever did before he became Jim Kirk was hack into his own medical records and delete everything he could. No one would ever know he was on Tarsus IV, nor read the doctor's too accurate conclusions.)

* * *

It's been a year since Tarsus, and the nightmares haven't stopped.

He used to wake up screaming and sobbing, but Jim's learned to stay quiet now. Frank beat him with his belt last time he was too loud and woke him up. The belt has nothing on Kodos' whip, but it isn't sunshine and rainbows, and despite that Jim's very purpose in life seems to be making himself as much as a nuisance as possible, there is no pleasure in making Frank mad when it's because of something he can't control. Mom's on another year mission again, too, and Frank never holds back when she's gone. Not that she's ever stayed long enough to make a difference.

Sometimes he wakes up and thinks he's JT, and it takes hours to push JT down and become Jim again. But he can do it, and that's all that matters. The eight of JT's kids that survived don't need him anymore, and no one else understands or tries. But in times of fear, nightmares, he forgets that. Today's not one of those days, but..

Right now, he wants to forget everything.

It was early, but late enough that the sun had risen. Alex Nelson from his math class, who lived on his street was probably awake, right? Alex was always down for a good fuck. Anything, to make that shame buried deep in his chest to disappear.

* * *

"Oh _James_!" screams the man beneath him and Jim freezes mid thrust, his heartbeat accelerating in his chest. No, no no _no-_

"It's Jim," he corrects gently, firmly, but he's not really in the mood anymore, and leaves soon after. He doesn't care for the lingering hands on his neck and arms, begging him to stay. It doesn't matter anymore.

That night, his hands curl over his ears and he doesn't sleep, just tries to push down the memories until the sun finally rises.

_Never forget, James, you belong to me._

* * *

Little Tommy of the Tarsus 9 was Thomas Leighton now, and was sure Kodos was alive. If Jim hadn't long ago perfected his facade, he would have shown some form of weakness at the suggestion. But as it was, he froze for just a moment. That moment was Thomas needed. Of course, he'd always known exactly what to say to get under his skin, but now he had the confidence to say it.

"Jim, I know you're content for the past to stay in the past, but have you forgotten what he did to you-"

Jim's resolve nearly cracked, but as it was, his jaw merely clenched. He was thankful he had gone alone to meet with an 'old friend'. This was not how he wanted any of his crew to see him.

"That was uncalled for, Tom," he calmly replied, like those words had not just pierced his soul.

"Maybe so," Thomas replied, deflating. "But I'm not wrong… JT."

Somehow, that _name_ hurt even worse. Jim closed his mouth, his disapproval of that clear by the heavy silence in the air.

"Please, Jim," Thomas begs. "You know his face, his voice, better than any of us. Come to the performance with me. I'll let it go if you don't think it's Kodos."

Jim frowned at him "I shouldn't, with how you just tried to manipulate me, but… if it is Kodos, I…"

And he does what they both knew he'd do at the very start. He agrees. JT may not exist any longer, but he still protects those he did so long ago.

* * *

Jim has been nursing this crush on Leonard McCoy for years at this point, so no one was more shocked than himself when he finds himself staring at his Vulcan First Officer for longer than appropriate, smiles coming more freely than he ever expected. He can't help it, with that dry wit and slender frame, and god, his face-

He loves them both in all the soft, gentle ways he's only heard about in stories, and it scares him.

It's all just a reminder of what he cannot have. Besides, why would Spock want him of all people? He's seen how the rest of the crew look at him; Spock could have his pick if he wanted. He knew Bones cared about him, had to with how he'd always dragged him back from the brink of death, but he knew more than anyone Jim wasn't boyfriend material. Besides, he can't just assume either of them swing that way anyway. Even if they decided he was something worth loving, they'd change their mind. If not because of his personality, his problems would surely drive either away.

Sitting in his captain's chair, it's more clear than ever that they deserve better than him, no matter what his heart claims.

* * *

The moment Jim sees that face, his mind stutters and suddenly he isn't 30 year old something Captain Jim T. Kirk. He's little twelve year old JT again, bleeding and hurting and _terrified_.

In another life, maybe he wouldn't be sure. Maybe some doubt, if that face didn't haunt his nightmares. But things are the way they are, and he isn't allowed the comfort of uncertainty. He's unbalanced in a way he hasn't been in twenty years, and it isn't until Thomas elbows him in the side that he realizes he hasn't been breathing.

"Yes," he agrees quietly. "It is him." By the look on Thomas' face, being right doesn't take as sweet as he expected.

"What are you going to do about it?" _About him, _he means.

"I don't know," Jim replies, eyes closing. It doesn't help. The past burns beneath his eyelids, anyway.

(He's been running from his past for years, in sex and adrenaline and starships, and it never works. But he never stops trying. He can't.)


	2. Part 2

Spock likes to vet the transfers to the Enterprise, and Jim has never seen a reason to stop that, even as he's sure that the Vulcan has probably even denied a transfer because of something fishy he'd found. But, he's found a trust in Spock that only rivals his trust in Bones. If Spock decides someone shouldn't be on this ship, Jim is inclined to believe him.

Nevertheless, it usually only takes a few hours for Spock to get through the list, and then he returns with the approved names. Jim never told him, but he still knows somehow that the Captain likes to learn the names of his crew and obliges him. It's those little surprising things that Jim loves him for makes him the best First Officer in the fleet.

It's all very usual, at least until he hears a certain name.

"-Ensign A. Reve, Lieutenant K. Riley-"

All of a sudden, Jim sits up straight from his slouching position in the Captain's chair. Spock just pauses because of course he noticed, an eyebrow raising in a silent question… well, not so much a question as an expectation for an answer.

"That wouldn't happen to be a Kevin Riley, would it?" Jim asks, excited despite himself.

"This is indeed his name, Captain," Spock replied smoothly. "Is he an acquaintance of yours?"

"Yeah," Jim replied, features softening. "He's an… old friend."

Would Kevin even remember him? He didn't know. He was the youngest of the surviving eight, after all. But in the end, whether he knew it or not didn't matter. Jim buried JT deep inside, yes. But there was a part of him that remained that would always, _always _protect his kids.

(They met again when Lt. Riley is beamed up to the Enterprise, and the other's eyes light up in recognition, and he almost says something before Jim sticks out his hand.

"Captain Jim Kirk," he introduces, and Kevin understands.)

* * *

Jim's nursing something that smells like the alcohol content is higher than what is legal, but it's just for show. Despite the fact that he'd love something to calm his nerves and settle his mind, he doesn't dare let down his guard here. Being alone was enough of a risk. But there wasn't another option. It's a party, after all. One Starfleet officer is easy to write off. Two, three, more? More suspicious than could be afforded.

He smiles when appropriate, makes small talk when approached, but for the most part just watches from the sidelines. It might surprise some to see him so reserved, but his friends and crew know that it really isn't so out of character. This is not the charming, easy going Jim Kirk. This is Starfleet Captain James T. Kirk, who does not give up, who does not play games, who does not, under any circumstances, let down his guard. If there is even a remote chance Kodos is here, he cannot be anything else.

He lingers for an hour, another, with some appearance of the other cast members, but none of the famous actor Karidian- otherwise known as the infamous genocidal general Kodos. It surprises him, really, that someone so egotistical didn't come to a party in his own (fake) honor. But all he's met with is empty expectations.

A whole lot of nothing, and he leaves frustrated and needing a new plan.

* * *

It's late at night, staring at the ceiling that he's already mentally making the calls and arrangements for Plan B.

Neither Jim nor JT ever fully understood Kodos, but he knows one thing: now that he's a forbidden fruit, he's the perfect bait to draw Kodos out of hiding. But the problem comes down to this- will he even be able to stay in the same room as the man without losing his composure? Well, to be fair, there's also another, equally difficult problem.

What should he tell his crew?

Telling them all every little detail of the past he's tried so hard to forget is obviously not the answer. Besides horrifying them, who would have respect for him after that? But there is the option of telling his closest friends, his crushes, something. He desperately wants to explain why this man undoes him so completely, why this mission is so personal it shakes him to his very core. He wants to be truthful with them. Wants them to comfort him.

But it's not to be.

How would they react, knowing their captain, their friend they've trusted and respected, had let himself be someone's sex slave in a contract always meant to be broken? What would they do, once they saw him as he truly was? He doubted Spock would think he was capable of command after that, and he could almost see what scathing things Bones would write to Starfleet HQ about how he was unfit to lead. Friendship, or more, would be unthinkable if they knew. So what to say? He certainly couldn't be bait without backup, or even a plan of attack. It would just be a self made trap at that point.

No. He had to bring Kodos to him. Force his hand. It was the only way he could both keep his dignity and have the advantage.

He doesn't eat breakfast that morning, walking by the mess hall without a second glance. Why bother? He would just end up throwing it up. It would be the third time since he woke this morning. Maybe it wasn't healthy, but Jim didn't care at this point. He had to shove down his panicked emotions and frustratingly stubborn problems to get this done, and he couldn't let Kodos get away with what he'd done to the colony of Tarsus IV.

(Jim couldn't let Kodos hurt anyone ever again.)

He doesn't notice the sharp dark eyes of the Vulcan First Officer watching him walk by, before leaving himself and heading for sick bay.

* * *

The message comes right on cue.

It'd been easy, to set the pieces. Get Karidian's travel canceled with a well timed personal favor. Let the word spread that the Enterprise was in the vicinity, headed by the well known James T. Kirk. All he needed to do was wait and hope he'd take the all too enticing bait. Sitting in his captain's chair, his posture is seemingly relaxed and careless, but he can feel Spock's eyes on his too tense shoulders. Spock was always too damn perceptive. At least Bones hadn't cornered him somewhere yet. There was a reason he'd avoided sick bay since this debacle began.

Bones couldn't worry about what he didn't see.

As suspicious as it was that Bones hadn't cornered him yet and demanded to know why Jim hadn't stopped by for a drink or even just poked his head in for some quick banter, Jim didn't have time to worry about that. When this was all over, he'd make it up to him. In just a few days, everything would be back to normal and everything would be fine. It was that thought that kept him calm in the wave of stress and terror that threatened to drown him.

Everything would be back to normal soon.

He could bury his past again, bury JT, and no one could think any different of him because no one would know. If nothing else, his main goal was to shoulder this entirely by himself, like he always has. But that… that was going to be difficult. Spock and Bones always seemed to meddle themselves in his affairs, and generally he didn't often mind. After all, he did the exact same thing. But this time… this time was different.

This time was about Kodos, and Tarsus IV, and everything he'd run from. They were just his friends. His best friends, yes, but they shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of his past.

"-ptain? Captain!"

Jim was dragged out of his thoughts by the voice of his most trusted communications officer.

"Ah. Sorry, lost in my thoughts. What is it, Uhura?"

"There's a message for you, Captain."

Yes, right on time, but Jim felt underprepared.

(Honestly… He knew he'd never be ready to face Kodos again, and this time for the other to face him right back. But it was happening anyway. He shouldn't be surprised. That's always how it was with Kodos. He didn't want it, want anything, but it happened anyway.)

* * *

A migraine was forming, unsurprisingly.

Jim was always prone to them in times of stress, and knowing his tormenter was on board _his _ship definitely counted. He usually was a pretty calm leader, but he tended to be a bit… irritable when he was stressed, and the crew and ship knew him well enough to let him be when that happened. Rubbing his temples and grimacing must've been a huge warning sign to _stay away. _ After all, as he'd wanted, his crew didn't know what was going on, just that their captain was in a bad mood… and, accordingly, not talk or approach him unless necessary.

Or at least, that's what most of them did.

Spock had forgone his usual position on the bridge, and instead took his place next to the Captain's chair.

"Are you sure this is the course of action you wish to take, Captain?" Spock asked cooly, seemingly unfazed by Jim's frown and general aura of annoyance.

"What's done is done," Jim replied, bitterly despite himself. "They're on the ship. There's no going back now, Mister Spock."

Spock did not reply, but Jim didn't even have to look at him to see the simple, single eyebrow raise in response. That unspoken sass that Spock would surely deny if pointed out (such things being… unbecoming of a Vulcan, but perfect in Jim's opinion) was one of the many things that he loved about him. But right now… Right now it made that slow building irritation just grow. Yes, Jim was hiding things, but he'd done that before and things had turned out fine, so why didn't Spock just trust him?

(He knew, of course, that he could never expect Spock to be anything other than a being who challenges him, and that was a good thing. But right now, it stung, stung like a betrayal and right now he just could not handle that)

"If you are in pain, Captain, perhaps a visit to Dr. McCoy is in order." Spock's voice is smooth as always, a calm suggestion but it ignites something furious and uncontrolled in the blond.

"I'm _fine_." It comes out snapped, more vicious than Jim intends, but the Vulcan falls quiet once again and that's all that matters. Except Jim doesn't feel satisfied, just a cold regret filling his insides instead. It wasn't fair to Spock, or any of the crew, to deal with his moods, with his fucking inability to deal with his past even with years to do so. It wasn't fair to them.

It has to stop now. He stood, shoulders rigid and back rimrod straight as he headed for the door.

"Captain?" This time, it was a question. Perhaps he thought Jim had changed his mind and decided to go to the med bay after all. It was laughable, if he did.

"The bridge is yours, Mister Spock. I'm going to… visit Karidian."

* * *

Jim stands outside Kodos' door for longer than probably appropriate, trying to perfect his Captain facade and reinforce his walls. He knew he might fall apart if he didn't, and now wasn't the time for such things. Any weakness would be exploited, so there could be no weaknesses. Five minutes passed before he took a breath and finally entered.

"It's about time,_ James_. At this point, I'd assumed you'd lost your nerve."

Kodos was waiting for him. _Of course he was waiting for him._

And just like that, all his hard work preparing himself went to waste. Hearing that name, Jim wants to throw up all over again. It's worse, _so much worse _hearing it from those lips than any other person who was stubborn enough that they didn't listen when he asked to be called Jim. But he should've expected it, he knows. Entering Kodos' cabin on his ship had risks.

Kodos is fishing for a reaction, but Jim's fists just clench by his sides, his face emotionless even as he sees the glint of a phaser in Kodos' hand.

In contrast, Kodos is relaxed, leaning against the wall with his usual smirk, despite the fact he's pointing a weapon at a Starship Captain and his personal former victim. It's what Jim has expected. Of course he would have set up his own trap. But Kodos is no longer the genocidal dictator with thousands of lives in his hands, and Jim is no longer a powerless preteen at his mercy.

Things have changed, and Jim suspected he wasn't the only one unbalanced with this flip of power. Jim could easily kill Kodos right now, and would be justified to do so with that phaser pointed in his face, and that wasn't even counting the hell that man put him and so many others through. But he was still one of the lucky ones. He'd survived.

Anger burned deep in his chest.

Kevin was on his ship, and protecting him was top priority. He had to be calm. He couldn't let rage overwhelm him.

"Nothing to say, James?"

It was only then he had a voice, and it took everything to keep it steady and calm.

"No. I have a million things to say to you, Kodos. I could tell you all the things I've accomplished despite what you did to me on Tarsus IV, or try to scare you about how they treat people like you in prison. I could try and intimate you, tell you all the things I've done so you're properly scared. But as it is, I've nothing that's worth saying to someone like you, except that if you give yourself up now I'll take you to the brig unharmed. I can't promise the same if you resist, and I doubt the ship's doctor will be sympathetic enough to treat non lethal injuries."

Kodos huffed, smirk not even wavering as he took a step towards Jim. "You're like a little boy in his father's suit. All this bluster? Your composure? You may have everyone else fooled, but not me. You're no captain, not really. Once a whore, always a whore, James. You'll never be anything else, and we both know it."

Something unreadable sparked in Jim's eyes.

Suddenly, overwhelming calmness settled over his body, and then he just felt... nothing. Just like back then, he felt numb.

Because, he knew, Kodos was right.

"This isn't about me," he stated flatly. "This is about you, and your crimes, Kodos. Your undeserved freedom ends here."

"What are you going to do?" the other replied with a huff. "Find a way to overpower me and kill me yourself? Parade my head through the hallways for all your crew to see?"

Whatever was there before faded away, and now a fire burned in Jim's eyes. "Didn't you hear what I just said? This isn't about me. For all the pain you've caused, every death, you will face in court. As angry as I am, as much as I want to choke your life out of you, I am not who I used to be." He is _not _JT anymore, and that's the only thought that keeps his fists firmly at his side. "Besides, killing you out of anger would be too merciful for what you deserve."

Kodos then took a step forward, another and another until the phaser was just inches from Jim's chest.

"You're forgetting who holds the power here." Fury instead of amusement laced his tone. _Was it me who made him so angry?_ Jim wondered. It's in that moment that he finally understands. Kodos wanted Jim to lose his temper, allow himself to be beyond anger, but he couldn't And it was his it was his fault in the first place that Jim didn't feel anything. _It's your fault, yet you blame me._

"What, you don't like that?" Jim couldn't stop the sickening satisfaction that dripped from his words, taking his own step forward so the weapon poked into his shirt. "Then maybe you shouldn't have broken your little toy soldier. Or, should I say your little se-"

"Captain." He would know that voice anywhere. It's a statement all on it's own, should be reassuring, but Jim's blood runs ice cold. Kodos' own eyes widen, and in that moment he's at least a little thankful that he was such a good damn distraction that he didn't notice the door way suddenly becoming accompanied. Jim takes the moment to swipe the phaser from the other's frozen hands, and turns.

It's Spock, of course, as he expected. Facing a Vulcan with his own phaser, and a couple armed red shirts, and now disarmed himself, Kodos wastes no time raising his hands in surrender. With power ripped away, a coward always shows his true colors.

He quickly walks past Kodos, and his crew, with only a rushed 'take him to the brig'. Spock doesn't stop him, but the way his arm lifts slightly before returning to the side practically shouts he wants to. But Jim doesn't stop, doesn't look back until he gets back to his quarters and locks the door. Even Bones, with his medical clearance, can't get in.

It was all over, in a moment.

(Except it's not, because Spock heard everything, and that only means he's going to lose everything)

With that thought, now alone, he finally falls apart.


	3. Part 3

With the door closed behind him, Jim wasted no time in falling to his knees and curling into a ball, falling into a panic attack as easily as putting on an old shirt. Now that he was alone, there was nothing left to keep him from falling apart. After a moment, he realized he couldn't just sit and immediately stood and began pacing, trying to breathe slowly to calm his anxiety and panic and failing.

What was he going to do? Sure, they were already headed for the nearest Starfleet base, but what was he supposed to say? That he'd found and caught the presumably dead Kodos, the infamous genocidal dictator, and his personal tormenter?

A knock on his door shook him out of his thoughts, and with an almost not-quite irritation, he stood. After all, the last thing he wanted was to shove on a mask right now when he was at his limit. But, odds were it was probably Bones, right? Him, or Spock. But probably Bones, since he'd been avoiding him so much… Oh well, he'd find some sort of way to get him to leave Jim alone for a while so he could recharge enough to be Captain James T. Kirk again.

He finally rose and walked to the door, already speaking as soon as the door opened.

"Look, Bones, I-" An involuntary gasp left his throat, cutting off all intended words, as a sharp pain suddenly entered his side.

A woman he'd never seen before in his life pulled the knife out of him and immediately shoved him back inside his room, so hard he slumped against the back wall. Not even blinking, she stepped inside a moment later and the door closed.

"Hello, James T. Kirk," she greeted with a familiar smile that was all teeth with cold as ice eyes. With impending horror, the reality of who she was hit his brain like a starship at the highest warp speed.

"You thought your plan to catch my father was so _clever_," she said casually, walking over to the nightstand by his bed and picking up the communicator he'd thrown there after the last away mission. "If you'd been more subtle, perhaps it would have worked."

She then dropped Jim's communicator on the floor, slowly lifted her foot, and with a dramatic stomp, broke it to pieces.

If it wasn't for that familiar expression and actions (and the growing affections for his two crewmates he'd locked inside) he might have found her enchanting. She was beautiful, slim with blonde hair and wearing a form fitting blue dress. Clearly, she'd meant to look as disarming as possible, and succeeded.

"Let me assure you, I saw it coming a mile away." She then pulled out a PADD, sat on his bed, and began typing casually. "It's a shame, really. But you shouldn't feel bad. We already had you at checkmate and you hadn't even known we were playing yet."

A satisfied look settled upon her features as she finally sat the PADD down and stood.

"...Perhaps it would have been quicker and easier to kill you with a phaser, but personally?" She shrugged, the crimson stained blade in her hand glinting as she moved. "I've always liked the old fashioned weapons. Besides, I think you need to suffer a bit before you die, knowing you can't stop my father from escaping once again as you bleed out. And even if we are found, one day, without you, there isn't much of a prosecution, is there?"

Jim didn't reply, but the look in his eyes must have betrayed his agreement because a moment later, a laugh left her lips. She wiped the blood from the knife on the bed, and lifted her dress to mid thigh, and carefully slid it back into the hidden sheath. She then picked up the PADD she'd discarded and began walking towards the door.

"Don't worry your pretty head about trying to get up and leave, James. You won't believe how much it took to get top-notch hacking software, but it was worth all the trouble to know that no matter what, you are going to die here and there's nothing you can do about it but simply wait. And with you gone, we'll be safe."

She flipped her hair over her shoulder, and shot him a sweet smile as she walked towards the door, and out of it.

"Goodbye, James."

With that, the door closed, and he was alone.

Jim grimaced as he pulled his hand back from his sticky side, glancing quickly at his crimson hand before quickly pressing it against his side once again. He gritted his teeth and glanced down at the pieces of his ruined communicator, and then at his broken door. He was in pain, the exhaustion pulling at his limbs from days of so little sleep, but none of that mattered.

He couldn't just lay here and wait to die.

It was difficult, but he managed to use the bed to pull himself off the floor into a standing position. _Better not sit again_, he told himself internally. He didn't think he could manage to get up again if he did, after all. At least not on his own. The first thing he tried was banging on the door, and he quickly found it wouldn't budge. She hadn't been lying when she said she'd hacked it, huh? He made a mental note to bump up security.

As quickly as he could manage, he dragged himself over to his nightstand and began digging through a drawer, only stopping when he found the spare phaser he kept for emergencies. He shouldn't have one in there, via Starfleet regulations, but he was more than grateful at the moment he'd had enough insight to plan for the inevitable.

With a combination of determination and pure luck, his hand was steady as he aimed at the door and fired.

As he'd hoped, the sparking, damaged door swung open. He silently apologized to Scotty and all the other engineers that would have to come up and fix it, but this was a serious situation. He couldn't find it in himself to feel too bad as he quickly paced down the hallway, pain replaced by (short lived, he knew) adrenaline. Moving so fast, no one paid too much attention to him besides just moving out of the way. It was best, considering the slowly blossoming red stain on his yellow command uniform, and the phaser in his free hand.

Bones was going to be beyond livid with him for not going straight to sick bay (once Jim was stable and he was done being worried, anyway) but he had to stop Kodos and his daughter from escaping. If he was being honest with himself, he knew he wouldn't sleep at night until he knew that man was in Starfleet custody and on his way for his trial and sentencing. In the end, however, it wasn't his feelings that drove him. It was far more than just him that had been wronged by that man's actions. He wouldn't deny justice to all those other victims.

Now, there was a choice: Go to the bridge and get some help from his fellow crewmen and risk Kodos escaping, or go straight to the brig, surely soon enough to stop him and his daughter, but have to do it alone and injured? It was a difficult decision.

He entered the elevator, that was thankfully vacant, and leaned against the wall as he considered his options.

As much as he wanted to go to the brig and take care of it himself… The way his vision was swarming, he could barely stand, much less fight. He physically couldn't do anything, even with a phaser. That one good shot at the door was likely the only one he could manage. So the bridge it was.

It probably wasn't a great sign that he couldn't remember telling the elevator to take him to the bridge, or the ride there, he noted in the back of his mind. The next thing he knew, he was walking out- and almost right into Spock. Upon realizing who he almost walked into, Jim cursed his bad luck.

"Captain?" the Vulcan inquired, and Jim tried to move past him before he noticed anything, but he knew it was too late when the other's eyes widened minutely at the blood. That was as close to shock as he allowed anyone to see. "You are injured," he stated, and Jim had known him long enough to know this was said gently. "You should go to medical. I'm sure the doctor would insist if he knew."

Jim shook his head. "Listen, I promise I will soon, but I think Ko- Karidian is going to escape. He has an accomplice on the ship. She's a human woman, blonde hair, and wearing a blue dress. She's armed, and headed for the brig to break him out. I need to-"

"Jim." Somehow, Jim's words died in his throat once Spock had spoken his name. "I am more than capable of handling this situation. I will send more men to the brig to await this woman. I assume she is the one who injured you?"  
He just nodded.

Was it just his imagination, or had something in Spock's eyes (the one thing he could never truly hide) grow cold?

"She will be dealt with appropriately." That cold look only hardened for a moment before his eyes flickered back to Jim's wound again and it was replaced by its usual warmth. "Now please, Jim; I will escort you to medical.. Medical care is not optional in this case."

For a moment, Jim almost faltered. After all, Bones would only be worried and slightly angry at him if he went in of his own accord vs if Bones had to find him and drag him there. But… as much as he trusted his crew, this was something he absolutely had to do himself.

"I will, after this is taken care of. But I need to…" He took a deep breath. It was crazy to try to explain this to Spock. He didn't know the real reason of why this was so important to Jim, and without that it didn't make sense why he was insisting despite being injured. "I need to do this. I need to know this is taken care of. We both know Bones won't let me leave the med bay for days once I go in there, and I can't just walk in there willingly until I know my crew is safe and Karidian can't escape."

For a moment, nothing, and Spock's eyes seemed to bore a hole in Jim's head as they locked eyes.

"I will go with you," he said finally, to Jim's shock. "We will quickly resolve this, and then you will go see the doctor." Jim felt his entire body relax. _Good. _That he could agree to. Knowing Bones, he'd still be mad, but at this point, Jim knew he could handle one of his best friends yelling him a lot more than knowing Kodos got away and he could have stopped it.

This time, the elevator ride was a distinct memory, because Jim could not remember ever seeing Spock that stiff and… well, if he didn't know better, angry. Why was a good question. Was it simply because Jim had gotten hurt, or was it just the thought of someone that hostile on the ship? It couldn't be just Jim, right?

But he quickly shoved all thoughts away as the elevator stopped, and the doors opened.

"Here," Jim said as they walked out, holding out the phaser for Spock. "I'll miss if I fire right now. It's better in your hands."

Spock took it without comment, simply nodding and continuing on.

For a moment, there was no sign of anything, and Jim allowed a tiny hope to rise that maybe, just maybe, they'd beat her here. But then, the still warm body of a red shirt came into view. Spock quickened his pace and knelt by the man. Jim just watched, hand subconsciously increasing pressure against his own wound.

"Already dead," he declared after a minute of studying. "I am not the doctor, but it seems to be from a single stab wound. But perhaps there are more ahead we can still save."

Fire burned in Jim's stomach. His own crew was dying because of Kodos, his family was dying again, and he couldn't do anything about it. He had to find her. He had to find her now, and end this once and for all.

Luckily, it was not another minute of walking when a flash of blue came into view, moving so quickly it took Jim's sluggish mind to process. She paused when she saw them. She was fully unhinged now; nothing remained of the cutesy defenseless girl now. Her dress was stained with blood and ripped, hair sticking up everywhere, lipstick smudged, and to top it all off, an almost animalistic rage burned in her eyes.

"_Kirk_," she hissed, her grip tightening on her knife. It was like she didn't even see Spock, but Jim wasn't too surprised. It was fairly obvious she wasn't entirely… there. "Father said you'd be tough to kill. But this time, I'll make sure to finish the job!" She raised her knife, and with a scream, began running towards him.

Spock didn't even let her get close.

With the almost eerie calm that only a Vulcan could possess, he moved forward. She probably didn't even see him until his fingers were by her shoulder, and by then, he'd already nerve pinched her and she crumpled to the ground.

A slight embarrassment settled into his chest at that. It was easy to forget with how composed Spock always was that he didn't need a weapon to disarm or best someone, and usually prefer not to use one.

All of the adrenaline finally gave out at that point, and this exhaustion and tiredness overwhelmed his body and mind. Jim stumbled over to the wall and leaned on it, and soon found himself sitting. Strange, he didn't remember sitting… Everything was slowly fading away after that, words sounding far away and colors bleeding together.

Ah_, _his last coherent thought began, perhaps I was bleeding more heavily than I thought.

_Damn it, Jim, _a voice said that he wasn't entirely sure was real. He registered a pain in his neck, and then nothing at all.


	4. Part 4

**Hi! I don't usually put notes, but it is important today!**

**Guess who's bad at writing long stuff? Me! Guess who's not? My best friend, who wrote most of this chapter. Everything from Len's POV, she wrote! She has an AO3 that she has not written anything for at the moment, so for now you can find her at .com. She's amazing and we're already hoping to do some more collabs in the future. I often write privately with her (and have for years), and we're planning to move some of it here. The medical email/file at the end is actually something I wrote last year for something we'd written together. It just happened to fit with minor edits for this.**

**Also, one more shoutout. Thanks to Lizarin on Tumblr who promoted this fic! I super appreciate it.**

**Anyway, this chapter may not be what y'all expected, but honestly I do think it was needed. This will have at least one more planned chapter and possibly an epilogue after this.**

* * *

From the moment he'd met Jim Kirk, Leonard had known there was something off. His smiles seemed too bright, his laughs too loud, his sexual encounters numerous and lasting for no more than a handful of nights. No one could ever get close to the man, though, if you spoke to anyone that knew him, they all thought they were the man's best friend.

When it was just the two of them, he seemed moody at times. Other times he seemed like a ray of sun personified. Maybe it was that quality that drew Leonard in. Maybe that was why Leonard grew fond of his roommate. Maybe that was why, when his mother first met Jim, she fawned over him and invited him home with Leonard over every vacation. Maybe that was why Leonard found himself harboring a crush for his best friend.

However, despite the genuine air to his personality, there was still something that Jim Kirk was hiding. Whenever he asked about his childhood, Jim always diverted the conversation and Leonard somehow found himself speaking about his own. Whenever Jim was called by his full name he looked like he was about to throw up. Whenever a man tried to top Jim, Jim ran. Leonard had heard far too many stories about Jim's sex life thrown around casually throughout their time at the Starfleet Acadamy. Sometimes it felt as though he learned more about his roommate and best friend through the grapevine than from the man himself.

It was during their second year Leonard picked up on the fact that Jim would use sex as a coping mechanism. The more stressed he was, the more sex he had. It seemed a bit peculiar, but who was Leonard to judge? He informed Jim that he didn't care so long as he didn't have to see or smell it. Jim complied, though Leonard was sure he couldn't smell it on himself. Normally he ignored it. Sometimes the smell was too much and he'd briskly tell Jim to take a shower. Jim complied. Leonard didn't want to think about the real reason the smell bothered him.

Leonard began seeing a woman to quell the loneliness. The relationship wasn't perfect, but he figured no relationship would ever be, so he threw himself into it entirely. As a result he saw Jim less frequently, though their friendship didn't seem to suffer for it. They'd taken to studying for tests at the same time. It was during one such time that the first piece of information on the path to unlocking Jim's past came out.

"Do you know what victims of child sexual abuse tend to do when they get older?" he asked quietly, pointedly not looking up from his PADD. When he'd read the section in his text, he'd known it sounded unfortunately familiar.

"What?" Jim replied. From where Leonard sat, he could see just how stiff Jim had become. That response alone gave him the information he needed.

"They either become completely repulsed by sex... or become hypersexual in an attempt to cope," he quoted, only then looking up from the text, gaze settling on his friend. Jim looked like he'd seen a ghost. It didn't take long for Jim to make some excuse and exit the room. Leonard didn't see him for a week after that.

When Jim came back they both pretended that the conversation didn't happen. Jim made an effort to hide a majority of his sex life from Leonard after that point. He still had telltale signs, though Leonard refrained from pointing them out unless Jim seemed particularly happy with an encounter.

Their third year they were both incredibly engrossed in each of their respective lines of study. Jim was slated to begin field work as a part of the command track after this year, while Leonard planned to stay planet side and settle down. Despite their focus on their studies, that year was the one that he learned the most about his friend's past. He met Jim's older brother that year and learned that their mother was in Starfleet. Jim's Step-Father was an outright ass that Leonard determined shouldn't get to see the right side of the sun. It was after meeting Jim's family that he declared Jim should stay with him and his fiance whenever he came back to Earth. Jim had agreed.

Parting with Jim was harder than he'd expected. The days leading up to Jim's departure felt somewhat torturous. Leonard was well aware that he had a shorter fuse than normal, but he tried his best to not take it out on his friend. He'd lived with this man for the past four years. Jim had become a best friend, though he wasn't sure that the term justified what he felt. He could easily picture living a life with his friend, the kind of life he was planning with his fiance. However, Jim had never chosen him, so Leonard had never asked.

They agreed to keep up communication, though Leonard wondered if he wouldn't just be forgotten once Jim got to space. Certainly space would be more interesting than his best friend. Despite that, Jim promised to be home for Leonard's wedding the following summer. He was to be the best man, after all.

With that promise the man shipped off to the stars. Communications were sparse over the first year, but he heard from Jim whenever the man had the ability to send an email. From what he could tell, life up in space was more eventful than anything Leonard had experienced. However, eventful fit Jim.

Jim returned for his wedding and when Joanna was born six years after that. They kept talking, Jim recollecting his stories of grandeur over emails while Leonard told Jim of the mundane aspects of his own life. Often he opted to tell Jim about Joanna over himself, seeing as towards the time Joanna was three his marriage began failing. The last year before he found himself in space he avoided contact with Jim at all costs. Despite his best efforts, the captain found him and brought him to space to serve as the Chief Medical Officer on the Enterprise. Who else could put up with Jim's bullshit?

The first thing he does when he reaches the ship is begin researching the medical histories of those under his care. He makes notes as he goes. Ensign Johns had an allergy to fish. Lieutenant Walter had a bad case of pneumonia when he was young that had caused scar tissue on his lungs. The list went on. Some personnel needed updated hypos. Others simply had fascinating medical histories. He made a note on the Commander that he would have to ask about his medical history. Apparently he was part Vulcan. Leonard had never worked with a Vulcan before.

The last file he came to was the Captain's. He'd put this one off until last due to the weight that this knowledge bore for his relationship with his best friend. Inside would hold answers to the questions he'd been wondering about for years. If he weren't Jim's doctor, he wouldn't look. But because he was his doctor and he needed to know to be able to properly treat him, he had to look, even if he'd rather hear about Jim's past from the man himself.

He stared at the PADD's screen for a long moment, willing himself to press the filename that would open the file. When he finally did, he was greeted with a lackluster past and a three year gap in his medical history. Needless to say, something was wrong, and he was going to find out.

"Why do you have a three year gap in your medical history?" Leonard asked, his already present frown deepening. A mixture of annoyance and worry war within him. Jim certainly had something to do with this gap. If his mother was a part of Starfleet, Jim should have an excellent, nearly perfect record of his health. Besides, Jim was the only person he knew that could hack into Starfleet's systems. He's worried because if it was bad enough for Jim to want to delete it, it was something unimaginable to the average person, aka, him.

"Dunno," Jim replied. Despite not looking up from his PADD, Leonard could hear the false cheer in his voice that he always put on when he wanted people to believe the bullshit he was spitting. "Maybe nothing happened. Contrary to popular belief, I can stay out of trouble, Bones."

No he couldn't, and that was just a diversion. Jim should know better than to think that Leonard would fall for that. They've known each other for far too long. "Dammit, Jim. We both know that's not it," he grumbled, glancing up from the PADD, brows furrowing. Fine, if Jim wasn't going to tell him, he'd find out on his own. He had connections after all. Even if Jim could erase a paper and data trail, he couldn't erase people's memories.

That began the long process of contacting some of the best people he knew in medical at Starfleet. With the gaps in communication, what was supposed to be a long process became an even longer process. If he was less stubborn, maybe he would have just left it. But he was a stubborn man to his bones.

Research into Jim's medical history soon fell by the wayside as he began finding men and women coming into his medbay, either for routine checkups or for mission related injuries. When he wasn't in the medbay or working on paperwork he often found himself up on the bridge, making conversation with Jim and the other officers there. Being near Jim again brought back the vestiges of the crush he nearly forgot about. Being older and jaded, however, made it easier to fight it back. While Jim might still be single, he doubted Jim would even spare a glance his way in that manner? Who would want a man who'd already had one failed relationship? Besides, according to his ex-wife, he was broken and didn't know how to love.

The answer to that question came in a man that Leonard so despised the first time he met him. Mister Spock was a foil to him in every way of the word. They had completely different views on the world. He insisted on the heart, while Spock insisted on the mind. They fought at first, Leonard meaning all the harsh words he said. Somewhere along the way, the fighting became bickering, the bickering became debating, and the debating became teasing. They still fought sometimes, but they never meant the harsh words they said.

Leonard had grown fond of Spock. He wasn't sure if the Vulcan picked up on his attempts at flirting, but at least they weren't turned down. He could, however, see that the Vulcan was interested in their Captain, just like he was. When breaching that topic with the Vulcan he learned that Spock was fond of Leonard as well as the Captain. Neither of them were certain where the Captain stood on this issue, if he had a stance at all. After much fretting on Leonard's part, Spock suggested that they simply bring the matter up with the Captain. If Jim agreed, then they would try with the three of them. If Jim did not, Leonard would avoid him for several weeks and then they'd forget that it ever happened and just try with the two of them. Leonard agreed. They would talk to him the next day.

Then things went to shit.

Leonard had been truly intrigued when he'd heard they were bringing travelling actors on-board the Enterprise. They were a curious group of people. It seemed odd that the Enterprise of all ships was transporting these people. When he asked around he learned that Jim had specifically requested that they transport the actors. That alone made Leonard suspicious. Since when had Jim been a patron of the arts?

When Leonard went to find Jim to ask him personally about what the meaning of all this hoopla was, the Captain was nowhere to be found. Where he usually was on the bridge was Spock, who curtly told him that the Captain was taking care of business elsewhere. That in itself didn't seem unusual. What was unusual was the slight inward curve of Spock's brow that betrayed Spock's worry. What the hell was Jim Kirk doing that made Spock worry?

After a line of inquiry with Spock that went nowhere ("No, Doctor. The Captain is fine, according to his own standards." "Fine my ass. Spock, where did he go?" "I'm afraid I cannot divulge that information." "Not even to me?" "Simply because I regard you in the way that I do does not mean that I can break rank, Doctor." "Damn you and your rank."), Leonard marched off to Jim's room. It was just as lacking of his best friend as the bridge had been. This ship wasn't that big! He had to be somewhere.

Off he went again in search of the Captain that he was just beginning to realize had been avoiding him for the past several days. Damn that man and his heroic tendencies. He always went in head first and seemed to make it up as he went. While he may not know the full story, if Spock was worried, that was enough to make Leonard worry.

He continued to wander the halls, attempting to find the wayward Captain until he nearly ran into Spock who, for Spock, looked rattled. "What is it, Spock?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he tried to make heads or tails of the situation, "Did you come to your senses and decide to break rank?"

"Negative, Leonard," Spock replied, watching him intensely. Leonard swallowed heavily as the already swirling dread continued to pool in the pit of his stomach. "I have come to tell you what I have just learned. Jim was on Tarsus IV."

Oh.

_Oh._

Everything suddenly made sense.

The three year gap in his medical history lined up perfectly with Tarsus IV and the following years. The nightmares that seemed to plague Jim on his worst of days. If he was one of the few survivors of Tarsus IV, based on the medical records and the age that Jim would have been at the time... "Oh. He was the one..." He was the one that saved the rest of the children. Had... Had he been raped while he was there? Had he traded himself for...? Leonard felt light headed. He needed to sit down.

A strong hand came to rest on his lower back, steadying him. "It appears as though Kodos used Jim when he was a boy in ways that are unimaginable," Spock informed him, voice sharp with restrained anger, "The Head Player is Kodos. He has been detained and will be taken where Starfleet commands."

"Well then what the hell are we standing around here for, Spock?" He asked as he gripped Spock's forearm, finding his balance again, "Shouldn't we be going to Jim? Please tell me you're allowed to say where he is this time."

"I do not know for certain," Spock replied, "However, I would deduce that he went to his cabin. He can lock everyone out there. He knows that I overheard his conversation with Kodos, and therefore that I now know of his past. It is only a small leap for him to assume that I would tell you, and that we both now know."

Leonard pinched the bridge of his nose. Of course Jim would lock himself away after Spock learning that. He'd been hiding it from his best friend for over a decade. Jim apparently didn't know Leonard as well as he thought he did if he assumed his best friend, who also happened to be a doctor, would turn him away.

"Okay, Spock," he began after a moment, looking up at the other, "You go see if you can get him to let you in. He's been avoiding me for the past couple of days, so I probably won't have any luck. I'll go get Scotty. If Jim won't let you in, he'll get us in."

"Doctor, are you certain-"

"Don't you Doctor me, Commander . I'm sure as hell, or I wouldn't've suggested it! Now go!" Leonard snapped as he placed a hand on his hip, waiting for the Vulcan to comply. Spock raised an eyebrow, apparently nonplussed by the response. After a moment, he blinked in acknowledgment.

"As you wish, Leonard. I will go see the Captain." Spock watched him for a moment longer before departing. Leonard breathed a sigh of relief. While Spock may be argumentative sometimes, at least he knew when to give in. He had to give the Vulcan some credit for that.

Finding Scotty wasn't hard. What was hard was convincing him to come with. ("Are you sure you should be barging in on the Captain like that?" "Damnit, Scotty! He's overridden my access. I'm the Doctor here. If I say I need to see him then I need to see him!" "But if he really doesn't want to be seen..." "Scotty!" "Alright, alright, I'll do it. Calm down.").

Having secured his way into Jim's room if Spock hadn't gained access, Leonard and Scotty began to return the way that he had previously come. Scotty continued to fret along the way about how the Captain would react to this break in. After the third or fourth voiced worry, Leonard turned to him. "The Captain will thank you later, trust me."

"How can you be so-" He was cut off by the heightened words of what sounded like a young woman.

"I'll make sure to finish the job!" The words were followed by a scream.

Scotty and Leonard barely spared one another a glance before they took off in the direction of the voice. Doorways, sounds, and people passed by in a blur as they hurried down the halls. What had happened? That certainly wasn't the voice of anyone stationed on this ship. Was it someone who was close to Kodos? It had to at least be one of the players. They were the only people on this ship that he hadn't met. What did the woman have to do with Kodos? What job was she trying to finish? Oh God, had she found Jim? What if she-

His thoughts came to a screeching halt as he rounded a corner and saw Jim collapsing against a wall. Spock was standing holding the limp body of a woman. On the floor next to them was the damning evidence. She had been trying to kill Jim. If the blood staining Jim's side was any indication, she had already tried once. Good thing Jim Kirk was God damned near impossible to kill.

"Damn it, Jim," he cursed as he hurried to Jim's side, intent on stopping the bleeding before he moved him. This wouldn't be the first time he'd saved Jim's life and it likely wouldn't be the last. But he sure as hell was going to have words with Jim Kirk when he woke up after this near death. But, as he gave Jim a hypo to help stimulate the clotting process, all he knew was relief. Jim Kirk wasn't dead.

Jim Kirk wasn't dead.

* * *

Dr. Claire Maris, now retired, considered herself just as tough as nails as she was when she patched up Starfleet's worst tragedies and most grizzled soldiers, but she was still human. Even after decades of medical experience, years of desensitizing, some things she could not ever forget. She'd come to terms with that long ago, and yet...

One of the cases that still bothered her had been on her mind lately. It wasn't helped by the fact she'd received a message today about the very same patient today, that she still felt conflicted about. Could you please help? She could. She was one of maybe three that still could. But the question was, even if it was so long ago, was it even ethical to? She knew he wanted nothing more than to forget what happened.

She spent most of the day in silent thought, to the point she barely picked at her dinner. It was enough that her wife finally intervened.

"Claire," she'd said, in that lilting tone she always used. "You fretted about this boy for years. His friend just wants to help him, and you have the information he needs. Don't you think it's time, now that he's a man, to put this to rest?"

However, Keava was a Betazoid, and always went for honesty over everything. Her opinion would have been the same no matter the situation. Despite that, she couldn't help but allow herself to be persuaded. She was right. That night, she took a deep breath, steeling herself as she pulled out her PADD and began a new email. It was difficult, but it was necessary.

If nothing else, James T. Kirk deserved to be at peace.

* * *

**Email Received**

**From:**

**Subject** : Please

**Body** :

Dear Dr. Leonard McCoy,

Hello. You don't know me, but my name is Dr. Claire Maris, and I'm a retired Starfleet doctor. I've been contacted by some of my old friends of mine, and I've heard you are trying to find the missing medical information from James T. Kirk's file. I am, perhaps, one of the only people that could help you these days. I've kept it to myself thus far.

Usually, I'd let sleeping dogs lie as it is his personal information, but if you are who you say you are, it is my duty to give it to you. He was a smart boy, and I'm sure there's little to nothing in his file about his… experience after he was through with it. Not wanting to let anyone know about his past is one thing. However, his health shouldn't suffer because of his urge to bury everything, including who he once was. I've heard from my remaining contacts that you aren't only his physician, but his close friend. With this information, I know you will use this information as intended: to help him, where I could not. He has altered his medical file, but to you I am enclosing my private notes that I have kept all these years. I have redacted all other names of the Tarsus IV victims and other sensitive information, but otherwise have left it intact.

I know you asked for it, but please remember that none of this is easy reading. It will alter how you view him forever. In the end, it is your choice to open the file, or not , if your want to help him is indeed sincere, I implore you to read it. Keep in mind it is not a strictly medical file, but more of a 'diary', if you will. It also contains my thoughts and inferences, which I hope you may find useful. There is no doubt in my mind that he still struggles physically and mentally with what happened to him, and I'm sure he never got the therapy I strongly recommended to his mother.

No matter your decision, feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns, though I will understand if you don't wish to discuss what you find with me.

With Kindest Regards, Dr. Claire Maris

Open attached file?

YES NO

...

...

...

YES

**Note: From the personal records of Doctor Claire L. Maris, Stardate [REACTED]**

It's been a month since we rescued the survivors of Tarsus IV, and I was entrusted with James T. Kirk. He was the oldest of the eight surviving children at 13 years old, and the worst off. As the senior doctor on staff at the [REDACTED], I volunteered to oversee his treatment and recovery. I was prepared for a difficult case, but there was no way I could prepare myself for the emotional turmoil.

Many of the children have physical injuries in addition to the malnourishment none of them are spared from. But it is James, and James alone, that shows signs of malicious, repeated sexual abuse. I don't know how many times he's been… rather brutally raped, but I'm sure it's no small number. I'm thankful that medical care has advanced enough that at least he should suffer no physical issues because of this. He also seems to have been more physically abused than his fellow victims as well, but he speaks about this freely. He won't even allow the sexual abuse to be mentioned. I… worry for him, if I'm honest with myself.

Malnutrition is perhaps his next largest hurdle. He is slowly but steadily gaining weight as well, but not as much as expected as he struggles to follow the treatment plan. He does not feel hunger any longer, so he does not eat unless told or he feels particularly ill, and even then, he is inclined to give at least part of his food to [REDACTED] or one of the other victims. I foresee that he will likely have food related issues in the future, though I hope that with proper therapy, it won't be such a burden when he is an adult. However, unlike the rest of his injuries, he will have permanent side effects from malnutrition, though how much is yet to be determined.

On the brighter side, his outward scars have healed fantastically, better than hoped. I foresee with proper care in the future, even the whip scars will be faint, if visible at 's his mental health that I'm most concerned about.

James is very quiet, and carries himself very seriously. After what he's been through, what else could anyone expect? If asked a question, he answers, though he doesn't try to elaborate or start even meaningless conversations. He doesn't often smile or seem very interested in interacting with adults, though he is close with and very protective of the other survivors, especially [REDACTED]. What will happen when he is separated from them? I doubt he will do well alone. Poor thing even has nightmares nearly every night, but as far as I know, will not disclose them even to his 'kids'. I hope he will find someone, anyone, to confide in and talk to.

Identity seems to be something he is unsure of. He does not like to be called 'James' (note; Kodos may have called him this. He flinches whenever someone calls him by his full first name. To be avoided at all costs. I must remember to add this to his official file). The other victims call him JT, which he accepts, but he has told me that is not who he is anymore. It isn't uncommon for almost another identity to form in such conditions, and part of his coping is to push this part of him far away. After all, if 'JT' is someone else, then it wasn't him who was raped or whipped or, if [REDACTED] is to believed, killed to protect his 'kids'. But he doesn't seem to know who will be then, yet. I suggested finding some sort of nickname, something that doesn't have any connotations yet. He told me he would think about it.

If his treatment plan continues to be executed flawlessly, I believe in another two or three months he can be released. I hope to see some more progress in his mental state before then, but such things are not my specialty. I will recommend good therapists to his mother, but she seems uninterested in his treatment or even him in general. James seemed completely unsurprised by that. I expressed this concern, that he may not recover well with such a parent, but was told by higher ups to hush up. Politics will ruin this boy's life, and it will be on their heads.

It's frustrating. He is a teenager with the eyes of a veteran, and once his physical injuries have healed, they are just going to throw him to the wolves? This case will haunt me, because my hands are tied. I can't help him. I can see under all those layers of pain how sweet a kid he is. Not was. Is. But all I can do is support him now, and hope that maybe things won't go as I fear and he will get the help he needs, if not now than as an adult. But experience and seeing his stubbornness in action, I am not particularly optimistic.

Whatever the future holds, I just pray he finds some sort of peace, someday. And wherever he is, Kodos rots in hell. Not only for the genocidal acts he committed, but what he personally did to that poor boy.

**Note, added:** Thank you, Dr. McCoy. It may be a burden on you, but if you've read this far, I know you sincerely care for him. I hope you can succeed where I failed. - Claire


	5. Part 5

**We made it guys! We finally got to the romance! I know, I know, I've literally never ever posted another chapter so quickly. You have my friend, ALittleSpeckintheUniverse on AO3 (who wrote everything with Spock and Len) to thank for that XD. She was bored and just wanted to finish it today, and I agreed. So here it is! Not perfect because I only kinda looked it over when we were done writing it but it's fine. There will maybe be an epilogue, but for now I'm happy to leave it where it is. Enjoy!**

* * *

The first thing that crawled back from unconsciousness was scent, and Jim's first thought was _I'm in sick bay_ . Sadly enough, he'd woken up here enough times that he didn't even need to think about it. It was just an immediate fact. As his other senses gradually came back, increment by increment, the steady beeping and bed beneath his fingers only supported that thought. Hm, what had he done again? The memories were always the last to return in these situations.

He mentally went over what he knew already. Bones had probably pumped him up full of enough meds that he'd been asleep for a couple days, judging by previous experience, and there was nothing he could feel besides an annoying stiffness. If he was lucky, Bones wasn't too pissed (but if he was here in sick bay, he probably did something he shouldn't have), but he had to admit he… deserved any lecture after… after…

His heart stopped as the memories finally came flooding back completely. Thomas. The play. Karidian- no, Kodos. He'd known it was Kodos as soon as he'd seen the man's face. He'd invited him here, confronted and arrested him. Fuck, Spock had heard their conversation, and the first person he went to was probably-

_Fuck_ .

He _had_ to get away. The panic overrode anything else, and his eyes flashed open as he tried to sit up, but was forced to stop halfway when pain flared in his side. He couldn't help but hiss aloud as his hand went to the wound. Ah, he'd almost forgotten that part. He'd been stabbed, with a knife, and still went after his attacker, Kodos' daughter, anyway. Without backup. He probably would have been much worse off if Spock hadn't found him, which he was sure that Bones wouldn't hesitate to remind him of.

Well, he would be lucky if he didn't come out of this flayed alive.

Leonard jerked in the chair next to the bed, having evidently fallen asleep. His eyes roamed Jim for a moment before they widened and he shot out of the chair, moving to press a hand to Jim's chest, forcing him back onto the bed. "You stay put. You're not going anywhere any time soon, not with a wound like that," he told Jim sternly, frowning down at him, not yet moving his hand.

Jim huffed, not entirely happy with those words or being pushed back down, but admittedly it was a little relieving. Bones was treating him normally, it seemed. That was good. At least he didn't have to worry about him acting weirdly around him, now that he knew. But it didn't make all of those panicked thoughts just immediately disappear. He didn't make a move to get up again, but turned his head to meet the other's eyes.

"How long have I been out…?" he murmured, deciding to go with the easiest question first. He needed to be well enough to get out of this bed by the time they arrived back at Earth, so he could make sure everything was taken care of. He was assuming that's where they were going anyway, as Spock was the one in charge when he was out and he was fully aware who they had on their ship...

Having apparently decided that Jim wasn't going to get up, Leonard pulled his hand away. For a moment he said nothing, simply sighing and shaking his head as he walked over to his desk. He paused there, seeming to consider something before his gaze rose back up to Jim.

"Depends on if you consider the time you spent almost dying on my surgical table as "being out"," he snapped, though there was no real mirth behind his tone. He looked tired, bags under his eyes more pronounced than normal, a slight slump to his shoulders, and a telltale waver in his voice, "Two days without that, three with, give or take."

Ah, fuck. Of course he was pissed. He always was when Jim almost died (which was really far too often), but he had even more reason to be than normal this time, when it probably wouldn't have been such a big deal if he'd bothered to take care of himself. He was worried too, and it had been a long time since he'd seen him this upset. It really cemented how much he'd messed up this time.

"Look, Bones, I…" He cut himself off, hands going to his face as he sighed shakily. His low blood sugar at the time, as he hadn't eaten anything in days couldn't have helped either, but if he was lucky, then Bones didn't notice. Okay, that was a dumb thought, because he was an amazing doctor, so of course he did. This was a real mess, and he couldn't really apologize as he honestly didn't regret his actions. He did regret how they affected his best friend, though. "I know what I did was stupid… okay? I know. I knew when I did it. But I…" His voice broke then, and he went silent. There was no justification, he knew. Any attempt would just make this worse.

"Jim please, just," he sighed heavily, the sound wavering as he shook his head, "We'll talk about it once Spock gets here, alright? I doubt you want to have this conversation twice. We'll save you the trouble."

Leonard studied Jim for a moment longer before tearing his gaze away. The sound of the comm whistled through the cabin as he pressed the button. "Calling Mr. Spock," he told the computer, who helpfully connected him to the comm nearest to the Vulcan.

"This is Spock. Doctor, is Jim well?"

"Yes, Spock. He's woken up. If you can spare the time-"

"I shall be there in approximately three minutes. Spock out."

Jim had progressively gotten paler through the conversation. No, if this was about what he thought this was about, he wanted no part in this conversation. Ever. Whatever 'talk' needed all three of them certainly couldn't be good, could it? Especially after what had happened… what they knew now.

"What… what is there to talk about? There's nothing to talk about." He really didn't enjoy hearing how fast his heart rate sped up instead of simply feeling it. See, this was one of the reasons he really disliked being stuck in sick bay. Bones had forced a lot of conversations Jim didn't want because Jim couldn't leave once admitted. It was all to help him he knew, but he'd really rather not have this one. This time was too personal.

"Jim, you know that's not true," Leonard replied, stern but exhausted as he left his desk to return to the chair next to Jim's bed. Leonard slumped into it, head falling into his hands, elbows braced on his knees.

"Your heart tells me enough. Spock has also told me a decent amount. It'll be easier for all of us if you just cooperate," he paused to heave another sigh, "Please, Jim."

Jim's jaw set as he looked away, temper flaring slightly. He wasn't some child that had to be told to hold still for a hypo. Why couldn't they just respect when he didn't want to talk about something? He was a grown man, and a captain at that. But this time, it wasn't a problem he could just order away.

"There really doesn't need to be a big deal made out of this," he murmured. "He's in custody now and it won't be a problem again. Isn't that enough?"

"It's more than just him," came Leonard's voice after a moment, soft and tentative, "Jim, as your doctor, I need to know your full medical history. As your friend-" He paused for a moment, as if that word wasn't quite right. When no other word seemed to come to him, he continued, "As your friend, I'm worried for you and what you've been through. I want to know how I can help. I also want you to know that you don't have to carry this alone. You're not alone, Jim."

His entire body tensed. It was somewhat painful with his stab wound, but that wasn't even a blimp on his radar at the movement. He wasn't angry, not really, but the words came out almost if he was.

"Well, the records are gone and I can't make them come back," he snapped quickly, frowning as he looked anywhere but the other. "It was twenty years ago. A lifetime ago. No matter what happened then-" He took a sharp intake of breath, silent for a long moment before he spoke again. This time, his tone had lost all bluster, all volume- he was quiet, firm. "It was twenty years ago."

There was a long silence, only interrupted by the beeps of the medical equipment. Leonard seemed to attempt to begin speaking several times, only to stop when the words wouldn't be enough. After several more beeps, the doctor took a deep breath before he took his face out of his hands and focused on Jim once again. "And yet it still affects you today," he stated simply, "just like it did while we were in the academy. Just because something happened a long time ago doesn't mean it won't stop hurting a person. There isn't an expiration date for pain and trauma, Jim."

Jim's fists clenched by his side. It wasn't like he was wrong. He'd known since their academy days that Bones read him better than anyone else ever had. Hell, he was the first one to really try instead of just accept that it was just one of quirks he had. But some part of him still grinded against those words. Accepting what the other said, even at face value, went against everything he'd told himself for years. Sure, his mother and Frank started it with how they'd treated him after Tarsus, but it was Jim himself that tried to bury everything later.

What was there to say?

He said nothing, simply going silent. It wouldn't matter to try and argue this anyway, because soon it would be two against one… and Spock was the one that had heard the majority of, if not all of the confrontation against Kodos. Everything he'd done to keep this all a secret meant nothing now. It was stupid, trying to run away from it. It wasn't like he'd ever succeeded, in the first place.

The buzz of the doorbell broke the silence. Leonard jumped in his seat, cursing under his breath as he stood and crossed the room to let Spock in. Spock immediately crossed to the bed where Jim laid, intense gaze fixed upon the man. Leonard relocked the door before warily returning to his chair, eyeing Spock.

"Captain," Spock began as he fell into a relaxed stance, his hands behind his back, "I must admit that I am relieved to see that you are awake. The way that the Doctor was hovering constantly over your bedside led me to believe that you were in a dire condition."

"Spock!" Leonard balked, sitting up straight in the chair, "Jim didn't need to know that!"

Jim couldn't help the small, amused huff that left his lips at the words. His mood still wasn't the best, considering what he was fully aware was coming next, but it was a small reprieve he'd really needed at the moment. His… feelings for them aside, they were quite a pair and he'd always enjoyed watching them interact. He'd watched their conversations morph from… something vaguely hostile to playful banter. It had taken them a month less than he'd thought. (He still owed Scotty some alcohol from his good stash. Damn, he should know better than to make a bet with him anymore...)

"Thanks, Spock," he replied, amusement dripping from his tone. "I definitely needed to know that."

"It was pertinent information about the behavior of the Doctor," he agreed, inclining his head, "I believed that you would appreciate knowing about it."

Leonard made an indigent sound, his face slowly growing red. "So what if I did?" he asked, crossing his arms as he glared at Spock, "Maybe the fact that Spock commed me every hour, on the hour, for an update on your well-being is pertinent information too. If I didn't know him better, I'd say he was worried."

Spock's expression remained carefully impassive. "The status of my commanding officer is crucial, Doctor," he replied, eyebrow raised.

Leonard grinned as he leaned back in his chair, "Ah, your Vulcan pride just won't let you admit that you were worried. Luckily I know that particular pinch on your forehead when you're worried, so I can tell Jim with confidence that you were concerned."

Spock's only response to that was a half-hearted attempt to cover a sigh.

Jim actually laughed at that, though not much because doing so was painful. Since when did they become so close? It was strange he hadn't really noticed. He shoved the uncomfortable feelings he had about that down, immediately. It wasn't his business how they felt about one another.

"Perish the thought," he teased lightly, finally meeting Bones' eyes again. This almost felt… normal. He wondered what the new normal would be for them, after this, because it sure as hell wasn't going to be the same when they were done here.

"Ah, you're right," Leonard replied, smile softening as he met Jim's eyes, "He wouldn't know concern if it hit him between the eyes. Who am I kidding?"

Spock cleared his throat then, drawing Leonard's eyes back to him. "I," the Vulcan began, closing his eyes, seeming slightly hesitant, "I will admit that I have been concerned, since before you arrived under the Doctor's care for these past three days. Your behavior has been abnormal, Jim, not only in your actions as a captain. You avoided Leonard for several days before the incident. You missed our regular chess match. You have been distracted and irritable. I now know what the cause was. However, knowing has not eased my worry. Instead, I have found that my concern has increased. Jim, I..." He trailed off. For once, it seemed that Spock was at a loss for words.

Whenever he was expecting the conversation to happen, it certainly wasn't right now. The change was so sudden it caught him completely off guard. His eyes were wide for a moment before he looked away with a frown. He thought of Spock, at the very least, as a very close friend. He had for a while now. He was fairly sure Spock felt the same by this point, but it was one thing to be 'fairly sure' and quite another to have it confirmed so absolutely and completely. He never thought that the Vulcan would ever be comfortable enough to be so forthcoming about his own feelings in such a way, and he'd accepted that long ago. It was simply his culture. For him to put that aside for Jim… another strange, fuzzy feeling rose in his chest, that this time refused to be pushed down.

"I… knew you noticed," he admitted, eyes closing. "I was expecting you to ask me about it. You'd never hesitated to ask about something strange I was doing before. But I... You're right about the fact I was distracted. Didn't really think about it too much besides a passing thought." Most of his energy went into trying to seem normal and pushing down the nausea, along with planning for how he'd confront Kodos. He hadn't had anything left after all of that. "I knew Bones wouldn't offer me the same courtesy, though. If I hadn't avoided him, he would have seen there was something wrong immediately."

"You bet your ass I would have!" Leonard spoke up, any evidence of a smile washed clean from his face as he focused on Jim again, "This is why the three of us work better as a team, Jim. Spock's the brains, you're the brawn, I'm the heart. Well, we've all got a bit of all of that, but that's beside the point. We're a team, and we help each other out. If you'd've just talked to one of us, you wouldn't be sitting here in my care again and Kodos would still be on his way to prison. We're not here to judge you, Jim, just to help. And we're not just helping because we're your crewmembers and it's our job to."

"Leonard is right," Spock agreed, gaze settling on his friend and captain, "We are your friends. If you have taught me anything in our time together, Jim, it is that friends do not let friends suffer or act alone. Therefore, by your teaching, Leonard and I will not accept your acting alone in this anymore."

"Forgive the insubordination," Leonard added quickly to the end of Spock's words, a hint of a smile on the corners of his mouth as his gaze moved between the two, not settling as he waited for the next person to speak.

That warm feeling in his chest only increased, unsurprisingly. Somehow, both of them expressed their disapproval for what Jim had done (fair) without actually lecturing him, which was… strange. Bones had never held back before, and while what he said might count as a lecture to anyone else, it held nothing on any of his actual lectures. It felt like there was… more to this. There was something that came after this, wasn't there? Both of them were working up to something, but for the life of him, Jim couldn't figure out what.

"As far as I know, all rank went out the window the minute I woke up," he sighed. He couldn't be much of a Captain in this bed, anyway. "I… did think about telling you. Both of you. But honestly, what would I have even said? 'So the leader of this troupe of actors is a war criminal that's presume dead, which I'm sure of because I… knew him personally.'" His throat felt tight all of a sudden. "Really didn't know how I would do that." Would they have even believed him if he'd just said he'd known Karidian was Kodos and left it at that? Maybe.

"Don't think I don't trust you both. That was never a reason. It… It was all me." All his issues. If that drove them away, it wouldn't the first time someone had decided he was too much work.

"That's exactly what I said when you found out about my divorce," Leonard replied, gaze softening to something pained, "after I'd spent a year drinking and driving myself into the ground. Do you remember what you told me, Jim? That you wished I'd've told you the moment it happened? That you weren't leaving me alone in that hellhole anymore? And I told you that you shouldn't have to deal with me." He paused, huffing a self-deprecating laugh as he shook his head in disbelief, "You said that was bullshit, that we were in this together. Guess what, Jim? We're still in this together. You helped me through that, and now I'm gonna help you through this with Spock's help, because he's a part of our 'together' now," His tone left no room for argument. Spock simply inclined his head in agreement to Leonard's statement, gaze intense on Jim as they waited for his response.

"Well, of course I came and got you. Your mom called, you know, asked me to check up on you. She didn't know I'd already arranged a week's vacation to find you." He shook his head with a small smile. "Wasn't hard. But this is…" He sighed. Nope. It was best he didn't say what he was actually thinking. _But that was different_ , because this was Bones, not Jim. But he knew neither of his friends would accept that response. Jim knew, because this would not be the first time he'd tried it.

"If you say 'different', Lord help me, Jim, I will-," Leonard began, leaning forward, though there was no real anger in his voice. Rather, exasperation shown through.

"I believe you missed the entire point of the Doctor's monologue, Jim," Spock interjected, moving around the bed to stand by Leonard's chair, "If the situations were reversed and he were in your place, you would desire to provide him with aid. We are proposing to aid you. You do not need us to aid you, but we are offering because we wish to help. We wish to be around you and for you to be at your optimal state. You indeed can reach that by yourself, but we believe that we have the capacity to support you so that you might reach that point in a more timely manner, should you desire to have us."

Jim was quiet for a moment as he worked through the words internally. It took him a moment longer than usual, but considering he was probably pumped full of drugs, that wasn't concerning. "I just…" He sighed, a hand going to his hair. Ugh, it was greasy, he couldn't wait to take a shower when he was out of here. "I just… I'm not really the kinda person to tell all my deepest darkest secrets and cry about it after, and…" He sighed again. "I don't know what you guys want me to do. I haven't even mentioned it to anyone since the day I walked out the hospital." His stepfather had made it clear he was never allowed to use it as a crutch, after all.

Leonard sighed, glancing back up at Spock, who gave a single nod. They both turned back to Jim as Bones began speaking again, "You don't have to tell us anything, Jim. I got an email from a Dr. Claire Maris. Spock's read it too. We know enough for you to lean on us if you need to. You just don't need to be alone with this anymore, alright? That's all we want."

Sharp, unwanted recognition sparked in his eyes at the name, and his jaw set once again as his face went pale. They knew . It wasn't just inferences and assumptions anymore. He didn't know what exactly she'd given them, as it couldn't be the medical records he'd deleted without a thought, but she was one of the only people who knew the entirety of what had happened to him on Tarsus. Whatever she had told them was more than accurate, and most likely , and he hated that fact. With that settled, confusion overwhelmed everything else. If they knew, why…

"I don't…" Now, it was his turn to be at a loss for words, wasn't it?

Spock and Leonard shared a long look before Spock turned back, resting a hand on Leonard's shoulder while he met Jim's eyes. "Jim," he began, tone soft, "What we have learned has not changed our opinion of you. You are still the man we know. We are still proud to call you our captain and friend. Our knowledge will simply make us more diligent in preventing situations that would bring rise to those memories."

"We'll also be able to better understand your moods, which'll let us help you, just like you drive people who really don't need to see me away from the sick bay when I'm having a bad day. You don't have to do anything or say anything, Jim. You're stuck with us and our help," he told Jim, offering him a smile.

Though that didn't clarify much, it was a comfort that at least there wasn't really anything they expected from him, at least now.

"Well, as funny as it is to watch ensigns run out of here like you'd set them on fire, it's really a pain when they're so scared of you I have to order them to go to the med bay for any sort of check or vaccination," he joked, trying to chase away those more than fond feelings still swirling in his chest. "I… I have to say this isn't what I expected you guys to say when you found out…" Well, he'd hoped they wouldn't have found out at all, but they likely knew that already… Besides, dancing around the subject like this was far more comfortable than actually talking about it. "Seems like I have no choice in the matter, though… but, I don't really mind that." He didn't realize how comforting that was until he'd said it.

Leonard's grin was sudden and bright. Even Spock's lips quirked at the admission. "That's good then!" Leonard told the room. Had he been standing, he would've been rocking back and forth on his heels in pleasure, "I'm glad we've got that sorted out. Now-"

"Now we discuss the other matter we have been meaning to talk to the Captain about, Leonard," Spock told him, squeezing the man's shoulder.

"Oh, right, umm," Leonard deflated a bit, and, if possible, he looked almost shy, "That would help with this too, wouldn't it?"

Spock looked to the ceiling in a moment of exasperation. "It would indeed, Doctor. Jim, Leonard and I have been speaking. We had been planning to discuss this with you at a later time, but the present seems as though it would be the most beneficial time to propose it." Spock looked to Leonard, who gave a nod. "You need not agree to this if you do not desire it."

"If you say no, we won't be offended! But, Jim, we've both taken quite the shining to you. Um, that is to say, I've been interested for a long time, but..."

"What the doctor is not so eloquently proposing is a relationship between the three of us, Jim, should you have us."

Jim was completely silent for a moment before groaning as his face turned bright red.

"Are you kidding me…" he spoke to himself quietly before shaking his head as he suddenly turned to Bones. "Are you kidding me!" he repeated. "We could have been dating this whole time?! I've had a crush on you since the academy! And you-" He turned to Spock this time. "Just when I thought I was set in that, you come along and…" He covered his face with his hands, and his voice was slightly muffled from them. "I'd be pretty dumb to say no when you two are all I've wanted for months now." This was a dream. This had to be a dream, right? There was no way he was this lucky in real life.

Leonard looked slightly dumbfounded before his grin became a beam. "Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, we're idiots!" he proclaimed, laughing, "I've liked you since the academy too! God, I thought you weren't interested. I'm a fool!" His laughter continued as he reached out to rest a hand on Jim's arm.

Spock smiled without restraint at the two humans. "I am glad that we have come to an agreement," he told the two, fondness evident in his voice, "I look forward to witnessing our relationship progress."

"We're total idiots." Jim had removed his hands from his face by then, revealing his own wide grin as he placed one of his own hands on top of Bones'. "But luckily, Spock was rational enough to see through that, huh?" He shook his head, all those emotions finally spilling over. He couldn't remember ever being this happy in his entire life. A thought, a memory really, suddenly occurred to him, and he couldn't help the laughing (if painful) fit that came next.

"Oh god! How long has your mom been trying to set us up?" he asked Bones, memories of last Thanksgiving and not so subtle hints brought to the forefront of his mind. "You gotta call her tonight. Just don't tell her I'm hurt…Oh, by the way, Spock, you might want to just assume you're going to have plans for most holidays now. She always insists."

Leonard sobered slightly, though his grin remained. "Oh God, she's probably been trying since our academy days. Ma'll be over the moon. We can all call her tonight," he told the two decisively, "She'll be put out if she doesn't hear from you Jim, and she'll be mad if she doesn't get to meet Spock."

Spock looked dubious, but he nodded nonetheless. "It would be a pleasure to meet your mother, Leonard. My mother will certainly be pleased when I tell her. She is already fond of both of you, since she met you last."

Leonard turned his hand to lace his fingers in Jim's. "It's settled then. We'll call her tonight after my shift is over."

"Sounds good," Jim replied. That would at least keep him from getting too bored tonight. But that wasn't what mattered in the end. Looking between Spock and Bones, that warm feeling he'd been denying all this time swelled. Love.

For the first time in a long time, the anxiety finally drained from the back of his head, and his shoulders felt lighter than since he was twelve years old. For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel as if he had to hide anything anymore. For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel unlovable.

For the first time in a long time, James T. Kirk was finally happy.


End file.
